If you think about it, all of us come across several people for a brief or a long time who touch upon our lives in some or other magical ways. Several. I, too, have been extremely fortunate to have met some wonderful people in my life thus far. This blog is dedicated to one such man with whom I have had only two major conversations, where we talked not about my day-to-day work activities, but he left an everlasting impact on me.

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It was my second job, and right from the time I had joined, the company was going through some major organization-level changes. One of them was to streamline the departments, move the people under the right ones, and finally, hire experienced senior people.

One day, we got an email welcoming a manager to our department of Product Management, and it was an interesting one. The name is Dr. Ashok Kallarakkal. "Dr.", I thought. Isn't he overqualified for this role?

After a couple of days, I saw a middle-aged man walking towards my desk - curly black hair, a thick mustache, wearing loose baggy pants, a full-sleeved shirt that was folded in half, and one part of it hanging out of his pants, and a rather laidback walking style.

He reached my desk and started a conversation.

"Hi. Are you Nikita?"

"Yes. And you must be...?", I got up from my chair

"Hi, Nikita. I am Dr. Ashok. I joined a couple of days back..."

He spoke gently. He gave a little background about his qualifications and professional journey, and after some 10 minutes, moved on to meet others.

I sat down on my chair and thought, "He does not belong here."

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It was 2013 when I was pregnant, and in February 2014, I went on maternity leave. When I went on leave, my manager was an American based out of Boston. When I was preparing to join back once my leave was over, my manager was changed to another American, who was eagerly waiting for me to join since there were some big projects waiting for the kickoff.

I mentally prepared a script for my conversation with him to perhaps put me on an easy project to start with, and if I can work from home or leave early for a few more weeks to attend to my 4-month-old baby. I reached the office with a few boxes of sweets and met everyone after so long. One of my friends came over to my desk and mentioned that I should first give the sweets to my new manager.

"New Manager? Not again... Who is it now?" I asked

"Dr. Ashok", he answered

"Oh no", I thought to myself. An Indian male manager. He won't allow me any more WFHs. I will now have to ask for his permission every time I want to leave early. Yes. That's how many Indian male bosses are. And yes, I am guilty of stereotyping.

Again, I saw Dr. Ashok coming towards my desk. He waved happily and dropped by my place.

"Hey, Nikita. Welcome back," and he gestured to me to sit down, as I should not make myself tired. He asked everything about my newborn and how we were adjusting to this new life.

"Dr. Ashok. If you have some time today, I wanted to take 10 minutes of your time. I just learned that you are now officially my manager", I asked

"Oh. I am very busy today, but we can talk right now. Before you say, I also have a few things for you", he said

Here he goes... Must be ready with the list of projects.

“You know, Bill and John are eager to get you on some of the big projects. However, as per me, you should start with a few smaller projects. And this has nothing to do with your performance. It’s just that, with a newborn baby to take care of, you may not want or may not be able to spend a lot of time at the office. That is just my take. If you think otherwise, I would be more than happy to put you on some major projects.” he took a very small pause, and before I could even say anything, he continued.

“Also, most of the days, my post-lunch time goes to meetings and on calls. If you wish to leave early or work from home sometimes, just drop me a message. I don’t want you to wait for me to get over my meetings to ask, and then only leave. I trust you and believe me, initially, you might have to rush back home. You can’t wait for these formalities. Just keep your team and me appropriately informed”, I think my mouth opened up a bit in amazement

“So, think over the project part, and we can discuss it tomorrow. What did you want to discuss?” he finally asked.

It took me a few seconds to get my voice back.

“Ummm. Nothing. You covered them all, Dr. Ashok. And thank you for understanding”, I concluded

“I have seen my wife’s life suddenly become so hectic after our daughter was born, so I know what you will be going through. Enjoy this time with your little one. They grow up fast,” and he signs off to leave for his meeting.

I again sank deeper into my chair and thought, "He does not belong here."

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It was 2015, and I was already serving my notice period as we were moving from Bengaluru to Hyderabad. I had thought of taking a break to set up the new home in the new city and then search for a job there. However, there was a corner in my heart that kept on pestering me and making me feel guilty for putting the entire financial burden on my husband.

Dr. Ashok had gone on a vacation to his hometown in Kerala after several months. Now, from my desk in the new office, if I had to go to the pantry area, I would have to pass Dr. Ashok’s desk. The day he returned to the office, I saw him sitting in his customary position - with his laptop on his lap, and he was not facing his desk. I waved at him and was pleasantly surprised to see him very pink and happy. He called me to offer some homemade banana chips.

“Dr. Ashok. You seemed to have gained some weight”, he said

“Yes. About 2.5 kgs. All that is my mother-in-law and mother’s love. Nicely settled on my tummy. Now, I will have to run a few extra miles to shed them off”, he replied

“Oh. I saw your daughter’s dance performance photographs on Facebook. She looked beautiful.”

“Oh yes. Anjali has been learning Bharatnatyam from a very young age, and I have not been able to attend many of her performances. This time, in our village, she performed in the temple, and I have made a promise to myself, Nikita. From now on, I am not going to miss any of her performances. I am going to quit this corporate life after 2 years and travel with her. I had been busy for many years and missed all of these little joys of life. Not anymore”, he opened up. We spoke for about 40-45 minutes. Nothing about work. He shared his plans and gave me several suggestions to utilize my career break time, and since he was an author, actor, and director as well, he gave me tips to work on my blogs.

“You have the potential to someday write a book. You will be my competitor. Still, if you need any guidance in that area, you are always welcome to reach out to me”, he said

That day, he left the office around 5:00 PM, which was such a rare thing. He waved me goodbye as I was coming back from somewhere. I felt happy for him.

The next day, when I was getting ready for my office, I got an SMS. It was from my teammate and friend.

It read - Hey Nikita. Not sure if you are aware or not, but Dr. Ashok passed away this morning due to a cardiac arrest.

“Ketan must have surely sent a wrong message to me”, I thought, and called him up

“Yes, Nikita. It’s shocking but true. He went for his morning jog and felt uneasy. He and his wife went to see a doctor in their area, and I think he suffered a minor attack there itself. The doctor called for an ambulance, but Dr. Ashok passed away on the way to the hospital. We are waiting for clearance of his death certificate so that his body can be sent to Kerala for last rites, and his daughter is also on the way to the hospital”, he said

After I disconnected the call, I felt so weak. I sat down on my bed and again thought the same thing - “He did not belong here. He never belonged to this stressful world. He was an artist at heart.”

I had no courage to go to the hospital and face his wife and daughter and stand beside his body. He was always under stress and work pressure that might have slowly made his heart so weak. But yesterday, he shared his plans. He was about to quit all this and spend time with his family - his wife and daughter. He was planning to attend all the dance performances of his daughter. He mentioned another book that he was to write.

Before and after Dr. Ashok’s demise, I have lost many of my loved ones. With due respect and my love for them, I still feel very sad for them. However, Dr. Ashok’s sudden demise and thinking of our conversation just a day before still give me goosebumps. I can’t say that we were very close friends. I didn’t know much about his family back in Kerala. But these two conversations are so close to my heart that I can never forget him.

Whatever doubt I had back then about taking a career break just vanished. Even last year, amidst the pandemic, I quit my well-paid, secure job. I had done several tosses in my mind if I should or should not do this. But suddenly one day, I was again reminded of Dr. Ashok, and I made the decision. I knew that I was under a lot of stress, beyond my threshold limit. I had experienced at least 2-3 major bouts of panic attacks. I might have already caused some major damage to my body without my knowledge. I didn’t want to worsen it anymore.

Wherever you are, Dr. Ashok, thank you for these important conversations that we had, and may you rest in peace.

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Picture Courtesy: Photo by Jeremy Perkins on Unsplash

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