Raising children is not easy. Just that we learn this only when we have our babies. Every baby comes with a different set of challenges. We always wanted to have two children. However, after our first child, I was still determining if I had enough patience to handle one more child. But we took the plunge, and I gave birth to our second child in 2021 – a gap of about 7+ years between the siblings.

"How difficult would it be?” I thought. We were already 'aware' that babies cry at night, would need diaper changes, and can get diaper rashes, we were mentally prepared that if the baby does not get sufficient breastmilk and does not gain weight, we won't hesitate or feel bad in giving the formula milk, babies throw up now and then, and so on. We were prepared. Or, so we thought.

Unlike my first child, the second one latched on quickly to his supply of breastmilk. He was gaining weight. But yes, continuous crying, peeing, pooping, cluster feeding, etc., made me realize how wrong we were when we thought that we were 'prepared'.

After a few months of breastfeeding and gaining good weight, his weight gain slowed down. The doctor advised us to experiment with a mixed feed of expressed breastmilk and formula milk as a top-up to see if breastmilk supply was the issue. As per the findings, it indeed was. Now, we could have believed in ourselves and continued breastfeeding with the hope that the supply might increase, but that meant taking a chance with his weight gain. Even when we were parents for the second time, such choices were not easy to make. We decided to start using the formula milk. Tried giving it with a bowl and spoon, but it was tiring and frustrating for the baby and us. So, we took our convenient way of using the bottle. There began my biggest ordeal thus far with the second child.

Initially, he would quickly drink the expressed milk and some of the formula top-up. His weight started increasing. However, soon he started crying and howling during these feed times and was already losing interest in direct breastfeeding. I would try, and get exhausted, but he won't drink.

On one of the occasions, I realized that after crying so hard, he was exhausted and getting into sleep. I put the bottle in his mouth, and he drank. No resistance. I was so happy. We tried this a few more times and figured out that he could drink in his sleep without any resistance. Something which I now know is called Dream Feeding. That was my solution.

Soon, this turned into a tiring routine. We would be on our toes to keep watching him. There was this very small window when we could feed him. A bit awake, and he would wake up and cry. In deep sleep, he won't be able to drink. So he has to be in a 'sleepy' state for me to feed him. I would make sure that there was complete silence while I fed him, so as not to wake him up. I would try to silence my daughter and nephew even when they were just playing. Basically, shut up, everyone!

Sometimes, we deliberately would take him into the room and create the ambiance to make him fall asleep even when he was active. This was to make sure that we are feeding him every 2-3 hours. He was underweight.
We live very close to a mosque, and I would keep a watch on the time of namaz as the loudspeakers would wake him up. I would have to either feed him before that or after that. I would wake up 2-3 times in the night to feed him in his sleep. Make sure that there was complete darkness in the room. I used my mobile torch to take up the position and put it under the pillow to give enough light for me to see him and the bottle, but not startle him. Basically, drop everything and feed him. This started taking a toll on my mental and physical health. It may not look like it, but it was exhausting to do all this and meant that we couldn't venture out much, as I can silence my family but not the world.

We tried everything from changing the bottles to nipples. For some reason, my husband didn't try feeding him during this challenging time. I thought that the baby was not taking the bottle from me, as he was expecting breastmilk from me. A couple of times, my MiL and Sister-in-law tried feeding him, but he just won't take it. I even went to the doctor to ask if we should change the formula in case he does not like the taste. The doctor said, "Maybe this is your child's habit. Every baby is different. Nothing to worry about. As long as he is drinking and gaining weight, I am not concerned if he is drinking in his sleep".

Everyone thought that I was overreacting and this was just a phase, but no one understood my tiredness and desperation. For how long can I create silent zones in my own or my relatives' homes? How long can we not venture out? How long should I continue to keep on watching him to catch that 'perfect' moment to feed him? Once he starts growing and is less sleepy and more active, what will I do?

I started looking for solutions on the Internet. Would spend whatever free time I got (when I could have slept) to figure out what was going on with him. Finally, I came across an article by another mother from the USA whose baby had exactly the same behavior, and she went through the same exhaustion and desperation. She had even published a book on how she finally came out of it - a book for this - something called Bottle Feeding Aversion. That's when I came to know of this term. I didn't buy the book. However, her blog gave good enough information for me to start with. Look for Your Baby’s Bottle-feeding Aversion: Reasons and Solutions by Rowena Bennett.

Here is a summary of what I learned from this whole episode:

First and foremost, the symptoms -
The baby was otherwise absolutely healthy, active, and happy. He would cry only upon seeing the bottle or during the bottle feed.
He would drink only in his sleep - dream feeding.
He would cry and fight with the bottle. You take it away, and he is happy again. Won't even cry even if hungry.

What parents would go through?
1. Exhaustion since they have to continuously keep a watch on the baby to feed him at an exact moment/state of sleep.
2. They have to maintain complete silence while feeding.
3. They can't venture out much as they can't feed the baby in the noise of the outdoors. This starts taking a toll on their mental health as they would want to start going out after many days/weeks post-delivery.
4. In the desperation to feed the baby to gain weight, they would start forcing the baby to take the milk in the awake state, and the battle would just keep on getting intense.

Now, the most important part. What to do?
1. Understand and accept - even if you don't exactly remember when - that at some point in time with no wrong intentions, you might have created a bad bottle experience for the baby, like forcefully feeding the milk or feeding an extremely hot or stale milk (formula feed if not taken within 15-20 minutes from the time made should ideally be discarded. At max, 30 minutes. As a good practice, don't feed a formula mixed milk beyond 30 minutes).

2. Now that the baby has developed an aversion to the bottle for some reason, it's important to make him feel safe about it. The baby was not born to fight with the bottle. Accept it and under no circumstances force him to take the bottle.

3. During his awake time, start giving him his bib and bottle just to play with them. See the reaction. The moment they show distress and want it to be taken away, take them away. Try this every day.

4. Do this in a new cozy place where they seem relaxed. While exploring the new place, they might explore touching and playing with the bib or the bottle.

5. Slowly, one day at a time, offer them milk during their wake time when they are most hungry - maybe when they wake up in the morning after a longer gap.

6. REMAIN CALM. This was the hardest part. It may be possible that the baby would still fight with the bottle and not drink. There might be missed feeds. The baby may go hungry for more than 6-7 hours, but do not under any circumstances let that anger come on to your face or behavior while feeding the bottle. Even if the baby takes in only 10 ml while being awake and then pushes away the bottle, just take it away. Gently try offering it a couple of times, but if the baby doesn't want it, just take it away.
For someone like me who loses patience pretty quickly and knows that the baby is underweight and every feed is important for him to gain weight, this was the hardest. I cried several times in the washroom. I sometimes even failed to maintain my composure in front of the baby, but quickly pulled myself back as I knew that I had to get him out of this. So, if I can do it, so can you. I know how difficult it is to remain calm, but I was able to do it.

7. Slowly, pick up with one feed per day when it would mandatorily be when the baby is awake. Either he takes it or sleeps again hungry, but no dream feed. Go on to increase such awake time feeds.

8. Keep the environment and room ambiance relaxed and happy. Sing a song while the baby feeds or while you get the bottle. Maybe talk casually to the baby when you are making him ready for the feed - putting on the bib, taking him in your lap, checking the milk temperature.

I followed all these steps for I don't know how many days or weeks, and finally, my son started taking his morning feed while being awake. We gradually moved beyond morning-time feeds, and now he feeds only when he is awake. Now, he won't drink when he is asleep or even sleepy.

I can finally sleep through the night without waking up to feed him as much as I can before he wakes up.

Thanks to that very important blog, and God bless that mother who shared her ordeal and how she dealt with it. Bottle-feeding aversion is a real issue, and it's exhausting. The key is patience and going slow to bring the baby out of it.

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Photo by Lucy Wolski on Unsplash

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