The other day, while I was scrolling through my Instagram feed, a reel popped up where a man was asking one question to many women: “Is alimony okay? Why is dowry not okay?”
From what I could see, the women he asked these questions to were young and probably unmarried. Even if they were married, these aren’t the kind of questions that can be answered with a simple ‘yes, alimony is good’ or ‘no, dowry is bad.’
Of course, dowry is bad if demanded. But what about those parents who go overboard by voluntarily giving so much to their daughters that they don’t have to buy anything, even toothpaste, for several months? Out of happiness and for a few rituals, some give and take is fine. But giving expensive gifts under the guise of ‘these will help our daughter settle down easily’ is foolishness, and there are several parents who do that. If you are marrying your daughter to an educated, working man, let them both build their own nest. Be there to help, yes, if needed. If a boy and his family can’t manage to build a basic home, the boy is probably not ready to get married. You learned the hard way, but you built your own home and family—let them do that too!
Now, coming to alimony. Those who haven’t been through separations cannot understand what goes into that decision—there’s a lot of thinking, tears, sometimes blood, and emotional and mental trauma, just to give some context. This is a subject that should not be trivialized by asking yes-or-no questions.
There are several situations, and every case is different. A wife asking for alimony may not always be ‘greedy.’ She may be educated, she may be working, but what if there are children who are studying, and her single income isn’t enough to support their education and extracurricular activities? Some women also go through immense mental and emotional torture at the hands of their husbands and may need medical intervention. Alimony makes sense in such cases.
There have been good cases where grooms declined huge amounts of money given by their in-laws at the wedding. There are also amicable separations where the wife did not accept any alimony because she thought she could manage their children with her own income, or the parents decided to co-parent their children even after the separation.
There have been cases where highly educated and powerful families, such as those of IAS or IPS officers or doctors, have brutally beaten their daughters-in-law for dowry. Did they not have a lot of power, government-provided homes and facilities, and huge paychecks? Similarly, a woman filed for an unbelievable 6 lakh rupees per month in alimony to maintain her ‘current lifestyle’ (which was way too lavish, and one of the reasons her husband asked for a divorce), even though they didn’t have any children. Thankfully, the female judge reprimanded her and her lawyer and asked them to submit a more reasonable amount. There have also been men who have died by suicide because their wives and in-laws threatened to frame them and their families in a false dowry harassment case. I have personally heard stories where women run scams by marrying someone and later filing for divorce without any real reason (in fact, with fake complaints), just to extract money from their in-laws’ families, leaving them with absolutely no money—all because the laws favor women.
The bottom line is that it all comes down to how you’ve been raised—whether you’re filthy rich but always living off someone else’s expense or are self-made, even if that meant living on the edge. Even if you’re self-made, circumstances (which are numerous) also define whether alimony is needed or not.
Here is a little Trivia (this is from the Internet. I wanted to speak to someone from legal for authenticated information; however, I do not know anybody from that field):
Alimony is legal in India. It can be granted by the court to either spouse after a divorce or separation.
How is alimony granted?
- The court considers the financial circumstances of both spouses
- The court considers the length of the marriage
- The court considers the standard of living during the marriage
- The court considers the financial needs of the spouse seeking alimony
- The court considers the ability of the spouse paying alimony to pay
Who can claim alimony?
- Either spouse can claim alimony, including a husband who is financially dependent on his wife
- A working wife can claim alimony if she cannot maintain the same standard of living post-divorce
However, in India, in the majority of the cases, it is the wife who is dependent on the husband, and alimony is considered only applicable for wives. But that is not the case. If the husband is dependent on the wife, the husband can also claim alimony.
I don’t want to name this Instagram account here, as most of his questions are harmless (though he mocks people in this way), but this one in particular made me stop and think. Alimony and dowry require much more thoughtful consideration than randomly asking questions and expecting simple yes-or-no answers.
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Photo by Marek Studzinski on Unsplash
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